I am so sad :(

I don't really know what to do. I should be sleeping right now because I have not had much sleep and Brooke-Lynn will be up soon but I can't. My Grandma passed away a few years ago and I started thinking about her earlier. About how she used to watch me in the mornings when my Mom went to work before I had to go to school. Every morning she would make me breakfast. Every morning her house would smell like coffee and eggs. She always made them exactly how I liked them, egg whites only fried well. I miss her so much and I cannot stop crying. I know people lose loved ones every day but it is so hard. I do not have many people I can talk to. My Mom called and I think I made her cry a little too, I do not want to make her sad. I live in a little city pretty far away from everyone I know. I still go see my parents every couple of weeks or so but that is not enough. It is so rough. I stay home with the kids all day so I do not get to talk to many adults. My and Jimmy, we try so hard to make it but we still struggle every day. I feel like we are going to be stuck here forever. There is no hope of us buying a home so we can be closer to our family, we went and talked with a mobile home place not too long ago and they pretty much laughed at us. They told us if we wanted a house we would need at the very least $10,000 down, and that would just get us a refurbished trailer, that, as he said, is "just legal enough" for them to sell again. This sucks. I know people struggle and I know we have it better than a lot of people. I try to help people when I can but I do not feel like I make much of a difference in this world. Everywhere I turn there is something bringing us down. About a year ago we weren't doing too bad. Jimmy was making enough money for us to pay our bills and have a little food in the house. Now, Jimmy's pay got cut to almost minimum wage, and he is a welder. He hates it because he feels like he doesn't provide for our family. Our bills barely get paid and we never have enough left for food. When I do get orders, I usually spend too much on groceries then struggle to even ship out the items that got ordered. I feel like I am failing at this diaper cake thing but I love doing it. I know I sound like a big cry baby but I do not care. I thought we finally had a big break when we had a chance to move into my Great-Grandma's old house, but it was snatched away from us by someone who is much better off than we are. Life is just so unfair. I feel like a lot of this is my fault because I don't have a "real" job, but even if I did we wouldn't make enough to pay for daycare, gas, etc... so it's a waste even trying. I honestly do not know if anyone really reads this blog. I see there are visitors, but they never leave a mark, a comment, a thank you for giving me the info I was looking for, nothing. If you are reading this please let me know. It would make me feel not so alone. I am going to try to get some sleep now, if you read this, thank you, and I promise my next post will not be so sad.

I am so crushed

I had a great Christmas by the way, and I am very grateful for everything I got.

However, we did not get the house we have been waiting so long to find out about. My Great grandmother passed away about a year ago. A few months ago we found out we may get her house. I was so thrilled, but it was between my Grandma and her sister, with their brother (the oldest) making the decision. Her sister wanted the house for her daughter, she is pregnant and the house her and her husband bought is a 2 bedroom. This is her second child.

My Grandmother wanted the house for us. We rent, and we cannot afford our rent, bills and food. We get the bills paid each month by scraping money together, but there is never any left for food. We scrape by and my Mom buys us a lot of food. This neighborhood is not good and getting worse by the day. I won't let me kids play outside. Our neighbors are always drinking and fighting, I am surprised we haven't heard gunshots.

Well today I found out that they are getting it, not us. I have never ever wanted anything so much in my entire life. It is right down the road from my Grandma, all family lives around there, we would have not had to pay rent, but would have still paid her some each month to help with what it would have cost her (since the 3 kids would have "split" the cost three ways), my kids would have been able to play outside, and I would have actually been happy. In this house, my baby stuff that I used for Diaper Cakes by Wendy takes up a whole bedroom, so my daughter sleeps in our room and has to play in my son's room. I am starting to think the diaper cake business is a huge waste of time and money and that I need to get a "real" job. I love doing what I do but it does not bring in any money. As much as we struggle, I feel like I have no business sitting at home each day trying to get somewhere with this "business" of mine. If I could actually sell some stuff I feel I would be happy because I love doing it. Jimmy is so awesome because he works way more than 40 hours a week, he is a welder and barely akes minimum wage, so he works his ass off just to pay bills and he feels bad that he cannot provide for his family like he should, but the company he works for got sold and they took away most of his pay that he worked so hard for. He doesn't pay in any taxes so his checks will be enough to cover bills, so I just know that when it comes time to file, we will owe money. I don't know what to do.

I am so tired of being sad. I am waiting for our big break but I don't think it's coming. We try so hard. I get sick to my stomach when I see some people, they steal, they sell drugs, they lie, they do bad things but yet they are the ones walking around with new clothes, nice cars, and money. And they are on food stamps so their families can eat too. We get absolutely no assistance from the government, nor do we want any. None of us have health insurance. (besides whatever it is my husband is required to have as a welder so when he gets hurt he won't sue)

What am I doing wrong here?