Wednesday, January 27, 2010
I am so sad :(
I don't really know what to do. I should be sleeping right now because I have not had much sleep and Brooke-Lynn will be up soon but I can't. My Grandma passed away a few years ago and I started thinking about her earlier. About how she used to watch me in the mornings when my Mom went to work before I had to go to school. Every morning she would make me breakfast. Every morning her house would smell like coffee and eggs. She always made them exactly how I liked them, egg whites only fried well. I miss her so much and I cannot stop crying. I know people lose loved ones every day but it is so hard. I do not have many people I can talk to. My Mom called and I think I made her cry a little too, I do not want to make her sad. I live in a little city pretty far away from everyone I know. I still go see my parents every couple of weeks or so but that is not enough. It is so rough. I stay home with the kids all day so I do not get to talk to many adults. My and Jimmy, we try so hard to make it but we still struggle every day. I feel like we are going to be stuck here forever. There is no hope of us buying a home so we can be closer to our family, we went and talked with a mobile home place not too long ago and they pretty much laughed at us. They told us if we wanted a house we would need at the very least $10,000 down, and that would just get us a refurbished trailer, that, as he said, is "just legal enough" for them to sell again. This sucks. I know people struggle and I know we have it better than a lot of people. I try to help people when I can but I do not feel like I make much of a difference in this world. Everywhere I turn there is something bringing us down. About a year ago we weren't doing too bad. Jimmy was making enough money for us to pay our bills and have a little food in the house. Now, Jimmy's pay got cut to almost minimum wage, and he is a welder. He hates it because he feels like he doesn't provide for our family. Our bills barely get paid and we never have enough left for food. When I do get orders, I usually spend too much on groceries then struggle to even ship out the items that got ordered. I feel like I am failing at this diaper cake thing but I love doing it. I know I sound like a big cry baby but I do not care. I thought we finally had a big break when we had a chance to move into my Great-Grandma's old house, but it was snatched away from us by someone who is much better off than we are. Life is just so unfair. I feel like a lot of this is my fault because I don't have a "real" job, but even if I did we wouldn't make enough to pay for daycare, gas, etc... so it's a waste even trying. I honestly do not know if anyone really reads this blog. I see there are visitors, but they never leave a mark, a comment, a thank you for giving me the info I was looking for, nothing. If you are reading this please let me know. It would make me feel not so alone. I am going to try to get some sleep now, if you read this, thank you, and I promise my next post will not be so sad.