Saturday, December 26, 2009

I am so crushed

I had a great Christmas by the way, and I am very grateful for everything I got.

However, we did not get the house we have been waiting so long to find out about. My Great grandmother passed away about a year ago. A few months ago we found out we may get her house. I was so thrilled, but it was between my Grandma and her sister, with their brother (the oldest) making the decision. Her sister wanted the house for her daughter, she is pregnant and the house her and her husband bought is a 2 bedroom. This is her second child.

My Grandmother wanted the house for us. We rent, and we cannot afford our rent, bills and food. We get the bills paid each month by scraping money together, but there is never any left for food. We scrape by and my Mom buys us a lot of food. This neighborhood is not good and getting worse by the day. I won't let me kids play outside. Our neighbors are always drinking and fighting, I am surprised we haven't heard gunshots.

Well today I found out that they are getting it, not us. I have never ever wanted anything so much in my entire life. It is right down the road from my Grandma, all family lives around there, we would have not had to pay rent, but would have still paid her some each month to help with what it would have cost her (since the 3 kids would have "split" the cost three ways), my kids would have been able to play outside, and I would have actually been happy. In this house, my baby stuff that I used for Diaper Cakes by Wendy takes up a whole bedroom, so my daughter sleeps in our room and has to play in my son's room. I am starting to think the diaper cake business is a huge waste of time and money and that I need to get a "real" job. I love doing what I do but it does not bring in any money. As much as we struggle, I feel like I have no business sitting at home each day trying to get somewhere with this "business" of mine. If I could actually sell some stuff I feel I would be happy because I love doing it. Jimmy is so awesome because he works way more than 40 hours a week, he is a welder and barely akes minimum wage, so he works his ass off just to pay bills and he feels bad that he cannot provide for his family like he should, but the company he works for got sold and they took away most of his pay that he worked so hard for. He doesn't pay in any taxes so his checks will be enough to cover bills, so I just know that when it comes time to file, we will owe money. I don't know what to do.

I am so tired of being sad. I am waiting for our big break but I don't think it's coming. We try so hard. I get sick to my stomach when I see some people, they steal, they sell drugs, they lie, they do bad things but yet they are the ones walking around with new clothes, nice cars, and money. And they are on food stamps so their families can eat too. We get absolutely no assistance from the government, nor do we want any. None of us have health insurance. (besides whatever it is my husband is required to have as a welder so when he gets hurt he won't sue)

What am I doing wrong here?

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No Stealing!